For Cory

I don’t want to write this, it’s sad, it breaks my heart and it makes me angry. I found out yesterday morning a friend of mine from long ago had passed away. We weren’t close anymore. We had lived together for a few months before I moved to Australia. About four months if I remember correctly and it was about this time of year. I remember because we had thrown a Super Bowl Party at our house. I haven’t seen or heard from this person in almost 13 years. No one called us (Jackie knew him too). We saw it on Facebook and by the looks of what we read and what’s been posted he took his own life. I don’t know that for sure but it certainly reads that way. Putting the pieces together I felt like I was hit by a truck, gut punched. Nothing I was reading made sense. He was a cool dude, a good and solid guy. Always having a good time. Always having fun. That’s how I remember him. That’s how he was during the two years we worked together and that’s how he was for the four months we lived together. How could this happen? How much pain was he in? He told stupid jokes. Laughed a lot and wore a constant shit-eating grin. He was fun to hang out with and always great to be around. He was the life of the party and lifted up everyone in the room. It doesn’t make any sense. How could the world take someone like that and absolutely ruin him? Beat him down and destroy him. I never had a clue. Just a week ago I liked a picture of him with his kids. I saw another post he made about his fiancé and how happy she made him. Thinking of it now it makes me sick. What was he going through? How horrible was his struggle? How long had he been fighting? I don’t know the details but I was halted reading about it yesterday. I went numb. All day I felt emotionally confused. How could this happen? Like I said we weren’t close anymore. The day-to-day of my life probably won’t change. It makes me feel guilt. Like I shouldn’t be upset because we weren’t close, or because I don’t know his family. Like I don’t have the right to feel hurt or sad. Or, like I should have somehow known. There should have been signs and that if I really cared I would have seen them. Rationally that doesn’t make any sense. I know that. But I think about his family. I think about his close friends that I knew back when I knew him. I can only imagine what they’re going through. I can’t fathom the pain he was going through. I keep trying to wrap my head around it. Depression, anger, fear, anxiety, financial problems, stress. We bundle it all up and call it mental health issues. It makes it sound cleaner and nice. Like it has a bow on top. To know someone you cared about lived inside all that darkness, in that hell that way is gut wrenching. It killed my friend. It ruined a family and is devastating to all who knew him. That hurts. That makes me angry.

My friends life is now a memory. His death another statistic. He became a victim of a struggle thats deeply pervasive throughout our communities. It’s silent, it’s painful, it’s ugly and it’s deadly. We don’t know how to talk about mental health issues. We don’t know how to address it and we don’t know how to respond when we hear about it. It’s uncomfortable and its messy. We agree it’s a problem but we’re too paralyzed to take action against it. A celebrity off’s themself or OD’s and it becomes the buzzword for the day, maybe a week. Then it disappears again into obscurity. It fades into the dark where for some reason it becomes too taboo to talk about. I get it. There’s some scary stuff out there and we fear we don’t know the right words. I don’t know the right words. I’ve rewritten this three times trying to find them and still don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do, or how to process, or how to help. I miss my friend and I’m sad. I don’t want to read about anyone else. I don’t want to imagine someone else struggling the way he struggled or hurting the way he hurt.

This past year ruined millions of lives. Families and livelihoods were destroyed. A lot of people out there are hurting. It’s everywhere. The virus and the response to it has set in motion a new pandemic. A tidal wave is building and growing larger everyday. We need to do something. We can’t lay dormant anymore. I fear a tsunami is heading directly for us and we’re going to need every man, woman, and child to step up and play a role in order to keep the ship afloat. I encourage anyone reading this to be open to your network and the people you surround yourself with. Never in a million years would I have suspected my friend to be someone struggling the way he was. It can happen to anyone.

I beg you, look after your people. Let them know you’re available. Let them know you care.

There’s a post out there you’ve probably seen about doors being open and coffee able to be brewed. I’d share it here if I had it. I’m pretty remote at the moment so I don’t have phone service but the wifi works. If you need to talk message me through here. If you need support I’ll listen. I’ll do anything I can. If we’re close, if we’re strangers, it doesn’t matter. Please, do not hesitate to contact me. Please do not hesitate to ask for help.